Reflected Light

There’s a spider in my closet. We have a cupboard for coats just beside the front door, and a spider has taken residence in the top of it. And it’s still there. I see it when I get something out of the cupboard, but generally I’m getting a coat to rush out of the front door which means I don’t have time to deal with it right then. And then as soon as I close the cupboard, it’s like I have selective amnesia, and the spider remains, unseen, doing whatever spiders do.

The funny thing is exactly the same thing happened last year, though admittedly in the other top corner. I eventually dealt with it. And the catalyst for me finally getting rid of it? Well, I’m ashamed to say it wasn’t my best friend who hates spiders. And it wasn’t even my worry that it would suddenly emerge out of the neck hole or armhole while I was wearing a jacket. No – it was when the spider had babies.

We all have spiders in our closets. Things from our past that wait there, quietly. We close the door on them but they remain hidden in the dark – whether it is the smallest unkind comment once said to us by a schoolteacher, an unhealthy habit learned from the generations before, or some larger trauma. But sometimes these spiders have babies: we might react to a situation in a way that is out of all proportion, or maybe anxiety that has been low-level for years suddenly starts to show itself through physical pain, or perhaps we just wake up feeling grumpy or angry and we just don’t know why.

Song of Songs 2:15:

“Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.” (NIV)

“You must catch the troubling foxes, those sly little foxes that hinder our relationship. For they raid our budding vineyard of love to ruin what I’ve planted within you. Will you catch them and remove them for me? We will do it together.” (TPT)

These spiders in the closet – or the foxes in Song of Songs – hinder our intimacy with God, harm ourselves, and hurt those around us. But what do we do about it? How do we catch them? Sometimes our traumas are large and need specialist help, but often in the smaller things, Jesus in his kindness wants to help us root them out.

In this Wild at Heart Podcast, John Eldredge shared an example of exactly this. He woke up one morning feeling low – feeling not right inside. Instead of reaching for his phone and checking the news and email, starting the day in numb distraction, he lay there quietly and spent time being attentive to his heart. What is this emotion? Where is it coming from? It was counter-intuitive, but he deliberately chose not to pull away from the place that causes pain and to walk into it, loving Jesus there and asking for union with God. It wasn’t a time to confess or fix anything, but just to bring Jesus in. And from that place of pain, he found his heart opened up to God once more. What could have been a grumpy day of stifled sadness became a day of victory and grace.

A few days ago I tried to do something for my church. It did not go well and frustration bubbled up in me. Despite clear reminders from those in leadership that God just loves our obedience in trying at all, I was disproportionately disappointed and frustrated in myself. So now it is time to catch the spider – Jesus, where is this frustration and disappointment in myself coming from? I know it is hindering me receiving your love. Ah, it’s this memory again. I love you in this place, Jesus. I know you are not frustrated with me or disappointed in me. You love me, as I love you. Heal my union with you right here.

Photo by Vyacheslav Shatskiy on Unsplash